I wish you knew.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now."

I'm still trying to arrange the exact words in the correct order so that you would somehow believe how sorry I truly am. Losing you once was enough pain , but losing you again might hurt more than just too much. If only you knew how much i needed you at this exact moment. If only you knew how much you mean to me. And if only you knew what i meant when I said that you're amazing in your very own way. Someway , somehow , I wish you knew that

I miss you :'(

♥Icky

Bitterly addictive pleasure,

"Someone taught me that I have to move on like the rest of the world and to stop living on a bunch of yesterdays"

Love? So many to talk about this one not-so-simple yet common topic. Everyone has their own perception about love, and as for me , i would have to say it's some sort of addictive bitter pleasure. It gives you both pain and delight , a whole mixed up feeling you can ever imagine.

As wicked as it is , somehow for people it's still the best feeling ever. If and only if things go the way you expected. And if it goes the other way around , say hello to your new bestfriend , misery. You'll start to feel so low , so insecure and in a lot amount of pain that you can ever imagine. That's just how the way it goes.

Although as painful as it is , you'll still be needing it day by day. You'll always need that one person to love and that one person that could love you back. You know somehow someday you would get hurt again , but we would always push away all that and go for it. And just give it another shot. In the end , the same thing happens. Either one of us would get hurt and stray away from the crowd for quite some time. It even causes suicide , which is alternately idiotic but quite rare. I barely hear those kind of drama , but i bet there is. Humans these days just don't know the exact place to store the brain , sad , i know.

Some get hurt badly till they feel like never wanting to fall inlove ever again , which is such a lie. Not only you look like an idiot lying to yourself , you're also growing your fear instead of pushing it away. Me ? I wouldn't say i'll never fall in love again , i know i will , someday somehow someway. But maybe i've had too much thrill ride for now. Let's take a break , maybe a cup or two cups of tea would do the trick. And i know , once i'm back my feet , i'll meet another repulsive asshole that's just going to do the same shits like the rest did. But who knows if he's not ? Who would ever know what's at the end of the tunnel. If he shows he's obvious stupidity with 'heartbreaker' labelled on his forehead , escape while you can , honey.

Be wise , be ready , be strong. That's all in the ABC of growing up. Never fear of being inlove , never fear of never being loved; put aside your looks or whatever that is humans search for these days, you will eventually meet that one person who would just love you although how loud you burp in public or how bad you look when you wake up. There will always be someone who would always look at you and get butterflies in the tummy. Don't give up just because one silly crush turned you down , it's too soon to stop. Life is about moving on , keep on walking cause we need to find out the ending of this repulsive chaotic life. Love is indeed a strong feeling that would make you bleed or just give you the satisfaction you can ever ask for. Love is my very own addictive bitter pleasure.

♥Icky

Topsy turvy

I guess i forgot to mention that i'll be away on weekdays . Well , i'll be away on weekdays haha .

It's the 4th day since school started. First day was awesome. I realized how much i missed being around the chaos in class. It felt great being around every single each of them. And got mostly all the papers , and daaaamn i got 40/80 for addmaths paper 2 , zzz. Oh 47.5/80 for accounts paper 2. Damn it. It wasn't how i expected it would be, *sigh

S is mostly out of the picture right now , i pissed him off for the last time. I don't know how else to say sorry though , he has been so caring but yet i blew it. I keep screwing up , sue me .

Today was dull. I was in a bad mood , besides period pain , i was just not feeling so good. I'm sorry i yelled at you Khalis. I really am. Everything seems so wrong lately , gotta build up more confidence in myself , pfth

♥Icky

A feeling i can't deny

Yeah these are half of them. That's Khalis , Khairul , Irfan and Aan. The rest would be Anep , Zuhairy , Ajiem and Fazrul. Who are they? They're my classmates, the only reason i love being in class. Despite the annoying teachers. Khalis is one hell of a cheerful boy, he never stops singing. He's like the jukebox in class. Annoys almost everyone in class but yet such a great friend. Khairul , Irfan and Aan just loves to crack up jokes. Say one word and they can elaborate in to stupid jokes. Zuhairy and Anep are like partners in crime. They go everywhere together , sounds gay but hey they both have lovely girlfriends. And both of them are the one's that never really stress out plus both of them loves sleeping in class, especially during BM haha. Ajiem and Fazrul loves to spend time with the phone and watch band videos on youtube. But heck, they can be very fun once you actually talk to them. Btw, Ajiem is a so called daddy to me haha. These boys definitely know how to have fun and i love em to bits :)

The two girls up here would be Farah and Ecah. These two are not even a quarter of the rest. The rest would be Maisha , Balqis , Shafiqah , Amirah , Afini and Idzaty. Woah do these girls love gossip. Maisha is like my partner in class , we talk about almost anything. So is Farah and Ecah. We can make fun out of anything. Sing out loud , laugh like no one's watching , and check out any boy that passes by haha. They're full of fun. Balqis , Shafiqah , Amirah , Afini and Idzaty are like the gossip girls in class. Loads of gossips i tell you. Sit down for 5 minutes and you know about half of the school . They are freaking loud , they make the class look like a night club. Haha but they really do know how to make a girl laugh. I love each and everyone of them :)

This feeling i have for them , i can never deny. They really do hold an important role to me. One day i was crying my ass off over some stupid matter, each and everyone of them had their own way to make me feel better. There was Khalis wiping off my tears , Maisha rubbing my back , Ecah and Farah holding my hands, Anep and Zuhairy making me think of that matter the other way around , and the rest was just helping me go through it. Somehow, they mean more than just too much. And this one time , it was Sejarah , i was skipping class as always, with the common people who always does , Zuhairy Anep Khalis and Khairul. And suddenly i saw the whole class loitering around the building. The best part was the teacher is in class but then there was none in it. Haha we are some class. Yeah , we are 4 Efisyien 2010 , no teacher can ever stand us. Bottom line , they make my day in school worth being there :)

Popcorns and coke,

From left : FACE , BA , Murdock , Hannibal

Well , i watched A team last night with my family. There was 16 of us , damn it. The movie was nice , i laughed all the way. Oh and Face is so ... nyummy (?) hahaha . We watched it at Tropicana Mall. Seems like that's a new favourite spot for Mama to watch a movie. It's been twice this week we watched a movie there. I don't really mind, cause yeah i get to meet Madd each time i head there, tehee.

Half an hour after the show started , i headed to the toilet and Madd was infront of the toilet. So i invited him to go for a smoke. He brought his friend along. I can't really recall the name. Sorryyyy haha. But it was a fun 15 minutes though. I'm heading there again tonight or maybe tomorrow. Toy Story 3D yo . Me liiiike.

This that this that , nothing much happened. Pretty dull , but what the heck. All i could think about right now is school. Damn it i can't wait. I can't imagine how much i would miss school once i finish SPM *sigh

I can't wait through everything ,

I can't help but just laugh reading back all the post since 2008. I was so .. clueless. Yeah , that's the word i was looking for. Clueless. Everything to me back then seemed so wrong. It's like to me , nothing could ever turn out better. I didn't even try to make myself feel better. All i did was sit alone and get all emoshits. And all i ever wrote was how depressed i was. Not that i don't anymore , but back then i elaborate maybe a lil bit just too much.

Think back, the way you think is the key to happiness. It all depends on you. Not the way people treat you , think about you , judge you or even the way they accept you. And as you grow up , you're thoughts expand. Well not all of us that is, some thoughts just simply shrink. Sad, i know.

Okay sure, what people think of you and how they treat you may effect your thoughts and emotions. But look, if someone treats you like you're some piece of crap, do you prove to that person that you are some piece of crap? No. That is just going to make people take advantage, which would suck even more. So stop sucking your own life. Happy thoughts. Yeah, that would be a good start. Try it.

I didn't say this was easy. Hell no it ain't. What is easy in life? It gets tougher as you grow up. You don't walk around and have no problem at all. Everyone has problems , no doubt about that. And the only one who can solve it is yourself. No one else but you. Sitting down and watch everything collapse isn't a way to solve anything by the time situation gets tougher. I repeat, THAT IS NOT THE WAY. Make your life worth living. Stop wasting it by feeling so crappy and hating yourself. If you do , then you're not going anywhere. You'll be stuck. And that pretty much sucks. Big time!

Me? I didn't say i was on the right track. I'm pretty much messed up, but i also didn't say that i wasn't trying. Trust me, i haven't tried doing anything as hard as i'm trying now. Advices and insults are two different things. Insults are painful. But advices , are medicine to your soul. As bitter as it is , you still have to swallow it. Bit by bit , it'll make a difference. And again , it all depends on you whether to take it or leave it. Take note : Why the hell should you care about someone who doesn't even give a shit about you? Keep that in mind and you'll be fine. I hope.

Long lost son ,

It has been a while since i last talked to this son of mine. Yes , i'm talking about Rahman. Lol, he disappeared since he continued studies. Anyways, we had a talk just now and it was nice. He told me to be proud of this :

aman says:

eh nnti jmpa lahh

rindu you do

bangga sikit haha

got to go , later mummy !

And yes , he still does call me mummy. Aww :')

Smell the coffee ,

Hello world :)

Woke up pretty late today. Duhh, i was on the phone with Afiq till 6am , zzz . He made me feel better somehow. Although he kept making creepy voices and saying there's something at the corner of my room and under my bed. Sheeeeesh! But yeah , he really does know how to cheer me up :)

So i was told by the boys he screwed up again , and this time he pretty muched ticked off everyone. They said he has gone way too far. What the hell is wrong with you, fool ? Your actions has been unbelievably stupid. All i can say is , goodluck mending back the pieces you broke.

I just ate spicy chicken mcdeluxe and pineapple passion mcflurry , add on some fries and shake. Yes , i eat a lot and i don't give a fuck :) And holly shit i am indeed full . I wanna laze around and watch Life Unexpected for hours till my butt cramp

Must get

diana F+ with flash package glow in the dark

mummy , can i pretty please have this ? :)

Something for you to know ,

Time passes by so fast. Well i'm just going to stop thinking about my past. I knew better that it was not going to last. All i wished was him to be my very last .

This has been messing with my head for months and i think it's about time i let go. Time for a brand new start , brand new chapter. Letting go doesn't mean i'll forget you , doesn't mean i'll forget all the painful , sweet and bitter memories with you, doesn't mean i'll ever forget everything you told me not to do. This might hurt but it's for the best , for both of us. I want to live a normal life now , enough crying , enough hating myself. I want to go through a day without missing you , i want to go through the night without tears in my eyes , i want to listen to songs and not get upset thinking about you, i want to believe in myself again , i want to love someone as much as i loved you, i want to smile instead of cry when you appear in my thoughts, and i wish we could work this out, but then again i wish not to . I don't want to disappoint you again and again. Somehow , it's time for me to let go.

It's okay to be angry , and never let go.
It only get's harder the more that you know.
When it gets lonely if no one's around,
You know that i'll catch you when you're falling down.

We came together but you left alone,

I know how it feels to walk out on your own.
Maybe someday i will see you again,
You'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend .

Well , i won't lie saying that i won't miss you. Of course i will , obviously i will. I'll miss us , i'll miss you , your lame jokes , your morning voice, your touch and all the laughs and tears we shared. I definitely will , no doubt about it. Having you again might be great , but i know it'll never be the same. I hope you're doing fine , infact i hope you're doing great. I bet someday , somehow , someway , we'll be having that cracked up long phone call crapping about mostly everything again. I know , one day you'll be there again to give me a warm friendly hug. Well, i hope so. Hey baby, I'm on my way to better days , and so are you :')

They like me liddat yo,

The name is Rawr , Mummy Rawr. LMAO !

Aby dah berubah , Sasa dah berubah , Anep dah berubah , Aten dah berubah , semua dah berubah. tapi Mummy masih hiphop. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Mess with us , we'll mess you up. GOT THAT ? HAHAHA cause they like me like that you knowww.

Have i found you ?

Life is turning upside down.

Why? Well , tell me , what's going on with the world? People going in and out of other's life , giving out fake promises , messing with people's emotion , making someone feel lower than the ground. Honestly , is that how we want the next generation to be? Is that the kind of people you would want your children to meet? I don't think so. This is all like a chain reaction.

Why want somebody only when he/she is his/her best but not during his/her worst? Why judge somebody just because they don't wear branded clothes and own a blackberry? Why promise something you know you can never keep? Why leave someone that looks up to you? Why leave someone hanging just because you're scared of commitment? Have some heart for God sake's . All this might mess up emotions and some can even cause suicide (well humans these days , dramatic as ever) What good does it bring? If it brings you satisfaction and joy , you should really go die now. Everybody is trying so hard to impress every single person that doesn't even seem to care, and in the end all they get are regrets. And sometimes the most common question will be asked , "what the hell do you want from me?". We can never satisfy every single human being , so how about just stick to them that matters. Don't hurt yourself. As for the heartless creeps , let them do what they want and they'll get everything in return. Karma is a bitch , but you can't do anything , just live with it.

Stand straight , tilt your chin up , shoulders back , eyes look forward , and smile. Easy as that. Smile is the important part , it makes them wonder.

I've seen enough, i've packed my bags and left that cruel world. I'm on my way to better days and so should you. Been hurt more than just enough. It still does sting. But thank you to them♥ that's been here for me through all the shits. You know who you are .

For those who i left behind, fuck you for leaving me when i'm in need. Fuck you for never appreciating me. Fuck you for all the lies and faking. Fuck you for stabbing me in the back. Fuck you for all the fake promises. Fuck you for messing with my emotions. Fuck you for not accepting me the way i am. Fuck you , him , her , them , or who ever. I don't give a shit anymore.

I could really use a wish right now ,

Yeah , it's me again

I'm finally back. It's been a while since i last went online , fuhh. Remember that drastic changes i was talking about ? Yeah , it's not as easy as i thought it would be. A lot more need to be fixed and i hope i can go through this alone. I am now on my own , i think.

I'm starting to think more than i ever did , and honestly it's messing with my emotions , zzz. What a drag , i know right. Life has been bumpier than ever , until i decided for this drastic changes that is. Well , it's not going pretty smooth but heck i'm trying , for God sake's -.- Nobody said it was easy , nobody said it wouldn't hurt. It hurts more than just too much infact.

All that has made me figure out load other stuffs to do. As all of you can see , i've deleted my Facebook and no longer using my MySpace ( i stopped using MySpace since February , heh ) . I'm sticking to only MSN for now. I need to get away from the crowd just so i could go on with this drastic change. Since i got so many freetime , i've been reading a lot of books . Mama supports me in this one though , she's been buying me new books every now and then. Yeay (?) Finally am starting to learn play the guitar , on my own . Thank you Youtube and guitar chords book (Y) Not only that , i'm starting to write and scribble again. Even bought a new journal , hello there new buddy. And i am now officially inlove with Addmaths and accounts. I've been making love with em everynight :B Pretty good start for a change...right ?

Holidays is coming to an end , and surprisingly i'm excited for school . I miss 4E and the crowd in the canteen during recess. I miss almost everything about school. 4 days seems longer than it ever did. *sigh*

I've said enough for now. I just hope everything will go smooth , enough bumpy rides. It's starting to make me feel sick :s